The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
You Might Also Like
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015