Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?