The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.