The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
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So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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