Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter