The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.