Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind