Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW