The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
You Might Also Like
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
It’s his time
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.