The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
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I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
North and South
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.