You Might Also Like
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My love language is deader than Latin
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
