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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[eats all your cotton candy]
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
can I use a minion as a tampon