The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*