Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.