The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first