The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Good boy 😂😂
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”