Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

White parent Vs Arab parents

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

How long do you have to wait between naps?

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*