The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
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the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.