Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

watergate? u mean a dam??

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

What the dentist sees

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick