The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.