Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*