Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1633260724268007424/vid/576x1024/wRr-n--WJigNU-UH.mp4?tag=16

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Boating season is upon us.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

i now pronounce you bounced.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.