The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
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Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
bury ourselves
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.