Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.