The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am