The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks