Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

no refunds

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”