The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything