The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
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Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.