The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*