The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Woke up against my better judgment again
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
i wish all
whales
a very
big
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
