The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
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You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu