The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
screw you
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.