The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
buys donuts instead
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
