The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.