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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Peter Parker Peter Driver
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.