Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.