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Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.