Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes