The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.