Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”