Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

Can’t. Being lazy.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.