Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

I have a type: disappointing

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀