Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.