Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

My support group can outdrink your support group.

my neighbor is so annoying he keeps texting me things like “my cat is missing” and “i can see my cat in your window” shut the fuck up bill

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?