The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The Compass
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
remember
only for emergencies
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Good morning
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*