the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Breaking news:
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
screw you
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Why am I like this?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule