the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
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My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.