the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
You Might Also Like
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]