the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
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she has a point
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Awwwww shit.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.