Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.