Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?