Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

you’re not fooling anyone

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

repaired

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.