[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
mood
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.