Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.