The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
You Might Also Like
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?