Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days