Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

Festive toon…

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it