Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Mornin

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”