“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG