@AGreaterMonster

The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.

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@RandomManik

Fool me Once – Shame on You.
Fool me Twice- Shame on Me.
Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?

@murrman5

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

@arielleBigBlue

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.

@SarcasticAlly12

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@P1ssed_K1d

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

@muse_me_again

Just once when someone says, “Is anyone there?” in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. “What up. I’m over here. You got me.”

@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit