Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

do horses think humans are hats

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.