Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it