The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
no
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again