The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart