Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.