Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.