The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
#Caturday
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?