The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
waiting for halloween be like:
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see