The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
You Might Also Like
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
What if all the cashiers are married?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
This is sending me to another galaxy
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.