Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

scenes of unspeakable carnage

But that’s none of my business

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Mornin

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”