The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”